Early emotions

I've certainly run the gamut of emotions since finding out I'm pregnant. After the initial shock wore off, there was about a week of delirious happiness. I really wanted to tell our families, but in a way I'm glad that we've had a couple of weeks of this "secret" between Stewart and I. I felt relief at not having to deal with the disappointment of a negative pregnancy test or getting my period. I felt hopeful and optimistic about the next 9 months and beyond ecstatic about a child coming into our lives early next year.

Those emotions lasted for about a week. Then last Wednesday, I got a big dose of reality. I just started thinking about how many of my friends have had miscarriages, and how daily on the message boards someone else reveals that they have had one. I started getting really scared and nervous, and started thinking that there's no way we could be so lucky to get pregnant on the first try AND get through our first pregnancy without a miscarriage. Nothing happened to bring on these emotions (except hormones perhaps), but I just had a nagging feeling of worry and nerves. I felt slightly better the rest of the week, especially after my first appointment and scheduling my first ultrasound. But it was yesterday in the shower that I finally got that sense of peace and happiness back, when the verse came into my head that says "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" Jeremiah 1:5. It just reminded me that God already has a plan for this baby, and my worrying is not going to do anything to change what has already been determined. Of course I hope and pray that we have no problems with this pregnancy and that this little one will be our healthy first child. And if that is to be the case, then God is already setting that into motion. Thinking about this just allowed me to give a big sigh of release and turn my focus off of the negative thoughts. We plan to tell Stewart's parents a week from today, and that has gotten me really excited and back to feeling super happy. Such a crazy roller coaster of emotions....I wonder what tomorrow's feelings will be!

In other random thoughts, I referred to the baby as a "he" today! I haven't had any feelings of whether it's going to be a boy or a girl, so I wonder if this is my subconscious mother's intuition!